Argh! Just came back from the meet up session with friends at the bakery. It was tough to just get tea while everyone was getting cakes etc., but the worst part was when one of my closest friends made an underhanded judgment on my reason of ‘No, I’m just getting tea because I’m on a programme right now and I’ve decided to commit to it for at least a month.’ Her response was ‘Oh, so you are doing it for weight then. I mean, I go to the gym so that I CAN eat the foods I like.’
- When she said the thing about weight, she had this expression of distaste on her face as if it was bad for someone to go to the gym and watch their eating habits for weight reasons. (Not that mine are. It’s not about weight; it’s about doing this to get rid of the hold of exact situations like this on me, to lose FAT, to get more healthy and to see something extreme and worthwhile THROUGH all the way)
- Her reason of going to the gym was stated in a way as if all people should do it like that. (Keep in mind she is slim. She DID have more excess weight before we met though).
Then, towards the end of our foursome chat, she said ‘Guys, we should do this more often. And L, you won’t be allowed to have tea. We’ll force you to have something.’ It was meant as a joke, but it seemed like my opting for tea was a bad thing and my commitment to a programme and eating a certain way to feed my muscles properly (I had only described what I’m doing this month as ‘a programme at the gym that I’m working hard at so I don’t want to waste my effort by not eating the right way’) was bad as well.
This sat (and still hovers) like a dark cloud over me because it has brought back those exact feelings that I was fearful of all the last several years. The judgment.
It was also hurtful to hear it from her. You would hope for support.
…But it does help to write it out because then I start to see how silly it is. The sad(?) part is that I think she (and others) will give me grief over the next couple months when they notice I AM losing weight. ERG! I KNOW this is good for me, and although they would say I’m fine as I am (sure, clothes can do wonders), I think my current physique is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. So there.
Ugh, stupid dark cloud. Go away.