Just for fun:
The Top 10 Ways to Fail the V-Diet
1. Don’t use the recommended supplements. Make substitutions. Use a whey-only protein powder. Because, golly, saving 6 dollars is much more important than actually reaching your physique goals!
2. Order only one or two week’s worth of supplies. In other words, plan to quit. And surely Biotest won’t sell out of Metabolic Drive right in the middle of your V-Diet, right?
3. Ignore the Velocity Training program. You are a beautiful and unique snowflake who doesn’t have to follow the precise plan written for the V-Diet. Sure, this always causes other people to fail, but not you. You’re so special you fart rainbows.
4. Add in lots of cardio or sports instead of just doing the NEPA walks and the V-Burn Challenge. (See #3, snowflake.)
5. Drink lots of booze on the weekends. Dude, it’s not really “food,” right?
6. Change the nutritional plan up. Add solid foods, use milk instead of water to make shakes, have a cheat/binge meal instead of an HSM. After all, you know more about fat loss than that Shugart fella. And your own nutritional plan has worked really really well for you in the past, right?
7. Feel sorry for yourself instead of coming into the diet properly pissed off and ready to change. Be sure to blame other people or situations for your fatness while you’re at it. Bonus: If you fail the V-Diet, have a handy excuse ready that places the blame squarely on someone other than yourself. You’re a victim. Your belly rolls are someone else’s fault.
8. Don’t do tape measurements, take photos, or monitor scale weight like the V-Diet plan says to do. Those rules are for other people. Not you.
9. Let other people influence you. Let them talk you out of it, tempt you with bad foods, and distract you from reaching your goals. In other words, don’t do anything for yourself. You’re just an extra in their movie. Know your role.
10. Lower your standards. When the V-Diet gets tough, tell yourself that you never wanted to be lean anyway, that “girls don’t like abs,” or that your husband loves you even with your three-times-the-size-of-when-you-met caboose.
Ah, so wrong. But so right.